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To know it all, to not be wrong

To have it all, to not be without

Right now, no suffering, no failure

No pain, always happy.

Constantly connected, no boundaries

All one.

But still the special human

Momma said I was.

Second-hand luxury watches.

Ejected at celestial heights

From the divine spaceship of birth

a clueless babe without a parachute



Slowly falling or maybe quickly

The speed depends on the worry:

Am I winning or losing?

Am I doing it right?



Through the material space

so goes the time space

Unknowingly consumed

Year by year, day by day, minute by minute

Carelessly, like I’ve got nothing to lose. 

The ground looks so distant

but certain to meet us when the time comes.

So, what to do in the meantime?

Second-hand luxury watches.

The devil comes smiling.
Giving comfort and pleasure
But not joy
Which comes from trials
Going into your dark places.

Because only after a form of death
Do we emerge greater
Tempered in the fire
Reborn into a deeper existence.

It’s perfectly ok being unhappy.

It’s worse to resist it…or ignore it.
Or feed it.
Or put blame on yourself or others.

Instead, don’t mind it.

Observe it and see what happens.

You are not who you think you are.

And you’re definitely not your feelings.

The Ohio sun goes south for the winter
Or it slacks, tired of shining all day
The toll of constant heat to make helium
creating elements for the universe.

But the gray it leaves us makes the heart ache
Not immediately, like a lover that leaves you
but like an infatuation that fades after the initial burst
an absence that at the same time surprises you
and gnaws at you, building through time
A dull ache
a fading glow of an ember in your soul.

Everything is so quiet
with the winter sun gone
the chatter of possibilities muted.
the sky is neutral monochrome
whitewashing the atmosphere
drawing a veil across the universe.

So the world must turn into itself
meditating on what could be without heaven.
No shine to illuminate the way
so we must make the path ourselves.

“What’s that mean?” she asked. “Safety Third.”

She was the first person who had asked what my shirt meant.

I said: “It means joy should come first.

Or we can stay in our cave, stay safe, not take risks.”

In a world that’s increasingly about getting more: being more open, having more, producing more, gaining more experiences… we still haven’t become more brave.

Excitement is still stimulating us, but in very constructed, intentional packages, being delivered through screens, apps, profiles, and now, literal masks.

Instead of taking risks, we medicate ourselves with more work, more play, more drugs.

Because that’s safe: We know what to expect in those structured places.

But joy comes from exploring, from surprises, from navigating hardships, from experiences in the unknown.

Not safety.

To Know Everything

To Do Everything

To have Everything

That others have

Right now.

All boxes checked.

Nothing missing.

No suffering.

Zero casualties.

No Pain Anymore.

Whole Again.

Constantly connected.

No boundaries.

Knowing everyone.

Knowing everything 

Having everything 

Others have.

The Dis-Ease of our Times.

Her leaving me only accelerated my impact with rock bottom. I was already on a downhill slide and barely maintaining. My jobs had slowly become unbearable: I felt underutilized and unappreciated. Add to that a year that had been filled with death and sickness of those close to me.

So when she left, I was thoroughly crushed. My ego was shattered: An ego that had made me dependent on another. Most of my life, my being had not been enough: I always needed something external: More money, a perfect relationship, more fun, more connections. Simply being wasn’t an option.

So there I was, at the end of that year, cracked wide open. Completely vulnerable. All my identities shattered into pieces. And with everything gone, all that was left was a naked human consciousness. Alone.

But not alone from a lack of friends or love. Quite the opposite: Friends helped me regain my confidence and my self-awareness. They helped me find my humanity as an individual. And they helped me find that special someone: My self.

So much of life is trying to find something, or someone, to make you feel good enough. Satisfied. Accomplished. But relying on something or someone is not sustainable. Because everyone moves on, whether they choose it, or death chooses for them.

As I saw my weakness, I recognized it in the people around me as well. I saw the whole of humanity, each person in their own pain, moving forward through their fear, anxiety, happiness, and joy. And we were all sharing this human suffering.

In the end, I reached the answer to all life lessons: The one fundamental requirement to make it through the suffering of life:

Gratitude.

Gratitude for simply having the opportunity of the human experience.

I knew the value of gratitude before hitting rock bottom. But this time, I realized it from a place of suffering. I felt it, instead of telling myself I should feel it.

And once you realize it, you can share it with whoever may cross your path in life.

I will always remember what she said when she left:

“You’ll always be more stable on two legs than four.”

Meaning, it’s less risky alone, than with a partner.

I thought she was wrong, but after awhile, I learned that she was right.

People are a wonderful risk. Life is a wonderful risk.

If you really want to live.

I can’t stand it, I can’t allow it,

no more abuse, no more overreach,

no more imbalances, no more people going without,

no more disparity, differences, no more inequality,

no more violence, no more hurt, no more offense,

no more disrespect, no more struggle, suffering pain,

in my life or anyone else’s, we can fix this,

if only we give some people the control over everyone.

We can smooth everything out, everyone out, 

equal shares for all,

equal men nurses, equal women nurses, equal men police,

equal women police.

Equal outcomes are only fair.

It’s because I love you, that we need to force this on you.

It’s good intentioned.

Follow my path, I promise

No one will hurt anymore.