To be unwanted is also to be free

When I retreat, I am alone, not lonely.

But it began as loneliness, in youth, when group popularity was sought after.  It was all about me, getting into the group, being recognized as one of many.

Before maturing, I deserved everyone’s attention. I wasn’t receiving enough. The world had not seen me properly, or clearly: I was not feeling loved.

But after a time, the love was unnecessary and I realize the feeling of liberation that comes with being alone, and that lonely feeling fades away as an inner strength takes over.

I disconnect the lifeline from others, and whatever reality exists out there, I create a reality that, right or wrong, centers on me.

And when your life is your center, that is the most freeing feeling in the world.  This is where you begin to reconnect to the world, from your true, uncompromised, confident self.

Quote credit: Germaine Greer

Fast and easy

Freedom is a bigger cage


 

From the institution of commerce.

Technology will help us connect.
Connect with a click
Talk via typing, safely distant
Completing our checklist
No time for the face-to-face.
The media feeds us the drama in excess.
24 hrs at attention, distracted from the betting of the bankers
and the 75% dropout rate.
Distracted by the divisive lines of abortion
Distracted by whether you’re using the right words,
or asking the right questions,
and not being offensive.
Distracted by the drama of a lone shooter.
Media gives us the discussions of
the pundits, one after the other.
So there’s no need to discuss:
They think,
So we don’t have to.
Just pick a side
Hold your sign,
and soon that sign and me are one.
Yea, I hear you.
But I’m not listening anymore.
And with our mind filled
the government institute will help with the rest,
if we can’t afford it,
they will get us the money,
just put it on my T-bond tab, or take it from the faceless rich.
We’re not really building a religion.
what ARE we building?
Membership in the congregation,
Or dependence to the corporation?
Faith in the authorities,
the lawmakers, the legislators
Hope in stocks, our future in the hands of bankers
who make us mysterious money.
When what we chose to do,
is no longer based on what we’re paid,
Then We are free.
Instead of institutional policy,
You go by your own policy.
the policy of doing the right thing
regardless of the standard.
No waiting on others.
We don’t need to fear not having,
We don’t need to fear anything.
All we need is what we’ve had all along:
Ourselves.

Fearing fear

fear-does-not-prevent-death-it-prevents-life


It’s easy to try for something when you know you can’t fail.

It’s so easy, in fact, that it becomes insignificant. It becomes part of the background, a regular thing, and therefore less appreciated.

Always do something you fear, because when your fear goes away, the reason for living goes away.

#embracefear

Which is better: the masculine or the feminine?

female exec


“If you pay close attention, you will see that the most masculine man has a feminine soul, and the most feminine woman has a masculine soul.”

Masculinity is a trait of strength.  One that leads and solves.

Femininity is a trait of strength.  One that nurtures and creates.

Judging one as better than the other is a lost cause.  Both spirits are necessary.

And a life without either is a life that is devoid of beauty.

 

“I can’t go on like this,” she said.

Figure melting into a heart shaped shadow


After the initial of shock of being broke up with by text, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of panic at the loss.

Later when we met up again, she said, “I don’t feel anything for you.” She moved her hands helplessly between us: “There’s nothing.”

I didn’t feel the pain from that statement until much later. I didn’t allow myself to feel the pain.  But I needed to feel the pain, to realize that I had given my heart to someone who didn’t return the sentiment.  Then I realized how ignorant and mindlessly hopeful I’d been.  And then I felt the real pain. Not of the loss of someone, but of the shame of not accepting what I’d suspected all along: I cared about someone and they didn’t feel the same.

But pain is necessary.

It protects you when you’re injured, because it makes you stop.  So you can address the problem, and mend it. Whether it’s a broken arm, or a broken heart.

Ignoring your hurt and not admitting the problem is going against the natural course which you need to heal yourself.

The pain is where you get better.

Don’t avoid the pain.

They want to come here. Why?

People power


Thanks to a group of men who thought it would be a good idea to start a nation based on giving the individual more control over his or her life.

Men who had the balls to risk execution for treason against the most powerful nation in the world.

It began conservatively, when not everyone had the same rights, but these men had the wisdom to make their country’s laws amendable.

So our country changed.  We progressed, granting rights for freedom to all:

Freedom to vote, freedom for unrestricted speech, and freedom to own property.  And today, different cultures, races, and ethnic groups flock here to make a living. Because we let people live how they please.

We will pass through this current presidency, as our nation’s machinations between the three branches of government continue to function.

Because despite what we may think, our President is only one person, not the CEO of a company, not a dictator, but a representative, of one branch, who is held accountable for his actions, if not his words.

Gratitude on this July 4th

For our continued freedoms, and our ability to fight for change in a country which was made for people who are empowered by their government to do better, if they want to pursue such happiness.

Why do people come to live in this country?
Because this country still trusts the individual over the institution.

Let’s keep it that way… by voting for leaders who do not favor the corporate institution or the government institution over people.  Leaders who want to empower us, rather than empowering themselves.  Let us be as wise as we expect our leaders to be.

We may not have the wheel to the car, but we have the keys.

Let’s start acting like it.

she was the one who made me stop

Ask-for-a-Phone-Number-Step-05


Our little group sat under the tree, a tree which luck had granted us directly in front of our camp, its branches carrying a crowd of green up above to shade us. The beaming sun was climbing its way through the morning to its apex, and we sat talking.

Then the words slowed, and her and I found ourselves looking at each other.  I held her glance gently, and we locked in, eyes not wavering.  I felt an immediate energy manifest itself. It simmered in the air, winding up and down, like a surfer effortlessly twisting on a moving wave.

The others’ voices faded away. I saw her long dark hair, her legs, her hips… but I began to see something behind those calm, dark eyes.  Transcending the physical and connecting to what is beyond it. We were showing ourselves honestly, and in that, we had become fearless.  It was a liberating feeling. Her eyes refused to leave mine, and we held on to each other like this.

I felt the urge to say something… but I stopped myself.  I stayed with her instead.  I stayed present, because that was where I truly wanted to be, and that was where she needed to be.

Time slowed down and our friends continued on around us, but I had no idea doing what. Did they notice our engagement? Could they feel our energy? Irrelevant, because as we sat there a short distance from each other, it didn’t matter if there were three people around us, or one hundred.  We were having a conspiracy together.

Then she broke it, looking away without a word.  And I was left wanting more, with questions about who she really was.

There are so many more

betweentwo
Art: Tomi Reichard. Find on instagram and at mustachemachineblackbetty

“Sorry I’m late,” she apologizes, and I know she is, because she hates the gaps as much as I do.

She surprised me, a welcome surprise. I had been moving through a vast stretch of emptiness. It is completely encompassing, against a blackness which light is not penetrating.

Deep space always rattles me. Everything is far away and lost, and it makes me feel the same. The immense gaps between stars is belittling, careless of my existence. It is the metaphor for living life: Without something to ground you, you become part of the nothing of reality, unless you go grab a hold of something. Something to live for.

I move through the nothingness, focusing on my goal. I can feel the  stretches of space streaming by me, light-years, gone. Or else I am imagining it, because the only frame of reference I have is myself.  The only basis for my movement right now is my superskin clocking my distance and trajectory.

I feel profound isolation, and then a small spark of dread tingles in my heart. ST had warned me of this, how to address the creep of space dysphoria.  I was beginning to slide.

I focus my gaze ahead, stabilizing my lateral movement and pitch and then increase my speed. The change provides me stability, in my head. How ironic…but now I have a kinetic ledge to hold, an axis to ride through the void.

And, from somewhere behind me, my route mate crackles, “Here”, with her apology.

She matches my speed, and I slowly crawl out of the confusion in my head.  I have a reference point now, but I also latch onto a faint muddle of light that struggles from a far away star system. It’s not our system, but I hold onto it.  With my mate’s arrival and this blurred smudge of light, I savor the feeling of being in relation to my surroundings.  I am not alone.

We run on for a bit without talking, basking in the simple presence of each other, the only life for an unfathomable distance. A distance truly appreciated by the time it takes to cross it. Fortunately, superskins were super proficient at time-sinks during these commutes.

“Spotting,” I said, and we both slow imperceptibly.  I point out the hazy clump of light that has manifested itself out of the darkness in the distance to our starboard. We veer slightly towards our destination and push even faster. I hear a jet of O2 rich air before I inhale it. It compensates for the acceleration.

“Final trajectory” I announce. We are clocking quite fast now…another bank of light instantly materializes from the opposite side.  It maintains itself for a minute.

“What stage?” I ask.
“Eight,” her reply comes into my ears. “They’re making good time.”
“What about our’s?” I ask. “Humanoids still progressing?”
“Yes,” she answers after checking the record. “They made it off-planet… within their system”
“That’s a good start,” I said.
“But their colonies are at war,” she sighed. “And they have a million year black hole event. And its overdue.”

She was quiet. There was only the purr of carbs resonating through my suit, pushing me on.  A swirl of finely-pointed lights came into sight, our lights, and I feel the rotors engage and brace myself although I don’t need to.  It’s the noise, really… the grinding stretches on until the soft pulse of my aft jet corrects my trajectory and we were coasting again.

“Perimeter maintained,” I said. The swirl resolves into differentiated dots of light, and I take in the details of each planet. Their weapons could not affect us while we’re in dimensional stasis, but I listen for alarms anyway.

“They might make it.” I said. “If they cooperate.”

“I hope so,” she said, and then she surprised me, again:

“But if they don’t… there are so many more.”

I have little idea about real sacrifice

pacific

Just finished the series The Pacific. What a powerful demonstration of courage, and commitment, and pride, and hate, and chaos. May we never have to go to such extents ever again.

And while peace is always the first, second, and third route of problem resolution, when it comes time to use deadly force and be put in harm’s way, it’s our soldiers who make the sacrifice. And they continue to fight in our current war as we sit in the comfort of our cities.

I have gratitude for this, despite all the problems that come with the United States’ policing the world.

I have little idea about real sacrifice, and I doubt most of us ever will.

I knew I was talking to a fascist

Smokey

Fascism….Some group trying to control others using rules based on their authority.

It can come from the Left. It can come from the Right.

It can come from any religion..except maybe Buddhism, or Taoism…

It can come from those who are angry and shouting, or smiling and quiet.

But it always comes from those who want to take action against you, or prevent your personal action. It always comes from someone who is well-intentioned, and wants to help.

It always comes from a sense of great pride that they know what’s better for you and everyone else.

Keep your head on a swivel for these selfish hypocrites.

Because these Authorities of Virtue can wear whatever color uniform.

They can hold whatever flag. They don whichever religious garb. What determines their value is whether they want to empower you… or take power from you.

Instead, have your own code.  And always stand up for it.

But don’t push it too far, because there might come a day when you’ll look down and notice you’re wearing a uniform.

And maybe you’re holding a flag. You might even be shouting down others with your group’s chant. Because you’ve gone so far and become so convinced. And now you don’t believe they have a right to their point of view to even speak it.  Or others to hear it.

And that’s when you might realize that you’ve become a fascist, too.